I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
