you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
