Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
