At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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