the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
