We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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