Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
