New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
