??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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