Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
