Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
