here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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