I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
