She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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