Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
