it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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