I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize