I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
