it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
