I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
