If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
