you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
