Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
