Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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