Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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