if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
