We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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