Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
