in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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