Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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