if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize