they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
