I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize