i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he told me I talked like a deaf person
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
