matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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