I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ugly people sure do ruin things
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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