I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
