it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
