According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
