Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
