Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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