i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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