i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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