I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
