upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
