I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
