the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
