When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
