Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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