I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize