I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After tacos, we're chasing women.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
