I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Randomize
