Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize