She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Can I color on your dick again?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Randomize
