i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
