God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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