i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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