I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
