You made me cry and you don't even care
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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