If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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