Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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